What do I really believe?

The past couple of years I have been on a journey of rediscovery, reinvention, and reflection on what I believe regarding my views on God, the Christian Church, and the community of believers around me. My wife and I had started a podcast where we discussed our experience with religious trauma and untangling from the bondage of toxic belief systems and experiences. The whole experience has been cathartic and healing and made me realize how personal and important belief and faith really is. One of our listeners messaged me privately and asked if I was still a believer and if so, what did I believe currently? This was my answer to this question and my reflections on my current beliefs.

I am still a Christian. I still believe pretty much the same things as I did before theologically (I came from a Charismatic/Pentecostal background) such as beliefs on salvation, baptism, the trinity, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit and role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers and churches. I would say my view on God hasn't changed (it's actually been more solidified) but my views on the church and the role of the church definitely have. I believe a large part of what we call "church" now is incorrect and highly abused. I believe that the church is a collection of believers who come together to worship, pray, and support each other in a community style practice where life is actually lived with each other, and everyone has common ground, and no member is higher or better than the other. This current model which is top down where one man/woman is seen as the head and everyone else better obey or leave is not correct. I believe we are all called to serve and submit to each other. I also believe that church should be the most welcoming and safe place in the world. Not the most judgemental, dangerous, political, or predatory. I also believe that when among other believers every person should feel completely safe and reassured that they are loved by both God and each other and that they should be able to be vulnerable with their struggles and doubts. I don't think God is put off by our doubts, unbelief, struggles, or secrets and therefore neither should we.

I believe that he is far more full of love than we have experienced and filled with much more Grace than we have been told. For example let's say I went to the club the night before church, got completely high and wasted, slept with a group of people that night, and did several other things that I completely regret and I wake up with a hangover, full of shame, and not quite sure how to not do it again. Church should be the first place I think of to go for safety, answers, and to process what just happened. Being with other believers who won't judge me but put their arms around me, hold me, and tell me it's going to be ok and that I don't have to be stuck in this cycle should be the norm not the exception. Do I believe we preach about sin? Yes. Do I believe that we stay firm in our beliefs and be clear about them and talk about how God is Holy and requires a lifestyle of repentance, prayer, and change? Yes. However, I also believe that everything we do should be from a place of love and grace not judgement and anger. The world doesn't need our politics, they need our love. Jesus didn't say you would know who his followers were by whether they were republican, big tithers, small group leaders, standing on the corner of streets with giant signs about his oncoming wrath, etc...He said you would know them by their fruit and by their love for one another. That's what's supposed to set the church apart...love. I believe the modern American western church has developed into a spectator sport where we fill auditoriums with big lights, big sound, big speakers, big events, big bands, and a display of big money. Am I against lights, sound, speakers, or events? No. However, what's the motive? What's the fruit of that afterwards? Is it love? Does it produce more believers who are ready to follow Jesus and have a support group of people willing to help and love them every step of the way? Or do we all come together, get emotionally high for an hour or 2-3 days if it's an event, cry and lift hands telling God how much we are going to change and reshape the world and then go back to the normalcy of life where everything wears off, we go back to same stuff, and drain our tank back to empty until we have the next service where we can put it up to full again.

It's like we've allowed a church to become a spiritual gas station. Come fill up, grab some snacks, and leave. And while we are there at this spiritual gas station we are looking around judging everyone else's "vehicle" and making assumptions because of its presentation about who they are, what they do, and how important they are. So then the mother with 3 kids in tow who may approach us with the beat up, old, rusted, and broken 1990 toyota car is reacted to with apprehension and little care and much assumption compared to the man who walks over from the red sparkling corvette with the nice suit and a smile on his face. That man we often will meet with eye contact, a smile, and a willingness to speak. Why? Because we've been conditioned to believe that presentation is everything and that struggle and vulnerability is not as valuable as an image of success. Each Sunday we gather, talk and sing about the love of God and then completely fail to practice it with the people around us. Someone among us is dealing with deep and dark secrets and sin? We exclude them and push them out. But someone comes in successful, pockets full of money ready to tithe and seems "righteous"? We immediately engage with them, stick them in important places of power and decision making and cater to their ego to benefit us. We sit in rallys and services where we scream "pro life" and "all lives matter" but stop that message right after birth. We cry that the life of a baby is precious and valuable to God but refuse to support the struggling mother, the couple wanting to adopt, or sign up for foster care or helping those needing children or pledge to support organizations who do. We aren't pro life. We are pro-birth. There's a difference. We scream "all lives matter" but then immediately judge and outcast the lives of those around us who look different, think different, vote different, worship different, or sound different from us. We don't mean "all lives matter" we mean "our lives matter" and by our lives we mean the ones we agree with. We say "come as you are" but the moment you do, they lock you out. The gay couple who is curious about church and God who walk in together, the homeless man off the street who just needs to get out of the heat and needs some water to drink and a bathroom to use, the single mother who is in tears because she is left with little to no resources and doesn't know how she's going to feed her children. What do we do? We call security, have them watched, asked to leave if they don't fit the belief system or "aesthetic" of the church because they are seen as a "distraction" from the service that's about to have their time of "offering" and need the people concentrated on giving to the church but cannot be distracted by the immediate need to give to the person put in front of them.

We act like a spiritual brothel where we prostitute our people and their giftings to serve and prop up the "pimp" or "madam" of the house. Where others see the light show going on from the outside, are lured inside the building, get to pick what serves them, pay their dues, and then that money is turned around to build the name of the brothel and the lifestyle of the pimp. We aren't building his kingdom; we are building our own castles. I've been in ministry in a number of ways including paid pastoral staff with over 15 years of experience across 4 different states serving in different denominations and organizations from the Southern Baptist Convention to Charismatic and Pentecostal Churches. And even though they may worship and look different, unfortunately most of their motives are the same. Self serving, judgemental, political, egocentric, and a breeding ground for narcissists and predators. There is so much more we are meant to live in. So much more to experience of the Holy Spirit. So much more to community. So much more....and it's sad we settle for everything less. I believe that there are some very genuine and amazing houses of worship in the US and the world. I have experienced and known pastors and places who love God, love people, and are doing really amazing work. They are the unsung heroes, the untold stories, and the unrecognized but they do exist. I believe the day of reckoning is upon the Church and that is why every dark thing is being exposed and hitting the headlines. I believe there comes a time where God shouts "ENOUGH" and I think this is that time. I believe in the church. I believe in the body of believers. I believe that its best days are still ahead of it. But I also believe that the Bible says "Judgement starts in the house of God" and we have been so busy judging everyone else that God is dealing with where the judgement actually belongs and needs to start. So in a very very long explanation. That is my belief. I hope it helps and I hope that some of this resonated with your spirit and it validated that you are not alone.

Move love to you and yours

Josh